Mother-in-law called to make sure we're rooting for the 'Stros (she's from Galveston), but I already decided during the playoffs that I would root for Chicago. I'd be happier if the A's were in it. I think Torre needs to go, but I don't really care since I'm not a Yankees fan. They can keep on losing -- I'm fine with that.
Z is a black kitty for Halloween. Very cute, but he kept barfing all over his costume this morning. They say that kids grow out of the barfing, but I've yet to see it.
I think my milk supply is going down. I started feeding him more solids because he seems like he wants it. Poor thing has a mommy who wants to nurse him and doesn't want him to grow up. However, he now has four teeth, so I'm glad that he'll be biting the spoon more often instead of me. Ow.
He babbles all of the time. I was so happy that he said, "Mama," the other day, even though he was just babbling. I clapped and smiled, and then he said, "Dada." Thanks, kid. I think he did that just to piss me off.
I didn't want to become a martyr mom. You know, the kind who always talks about how hard she works and all of that? But I don't think my husband "gets it." I want him to appreciate what I'm doing. I love taking care of him, and I know that I have an easy life because we can afford to have me at home (even though we go without a lot of things and stress a little about money). We're making it work, and we agreed that it's great for our son. I guess I just want a little validation here. There are no raises, no quarterly reviews, no boss telling you that you did a great job by saving the company money. It's hard to know when you're doing a good job when you're a mom. People tell me he's a happy baby. Is that because of my nurturing, or would he be like that if I left him in daycare all day? I know in my heart that I'm doing the best I can for him, but I don't know for sure. Would it be better for him if I was working a little (besides web design freelancing, which I'm grossly underpaid for) and had conversations with adults that didn't involve the consistency of his poo now that he's eating solids?
I don't know what I need.
I think I've been unhappy for a long time. My problem is that I don't know what I'm passionate about. Now I know that I'm passionate about this little boy, but it still doesn't seem to be enough. It's never enough for me. I know that there's something else because he won't always need me. He's going to grow up and move out, and I'll be left wondering what I'm passionate about besides my little boy. I feel like I need to figure it out now.
It's not right that I think I shouldn't make my husband take care of our son much when he comes home because I think he needs a break after being at work and providing for us. I need to stop thinking that. I work all day and don't get weekends off, but I still feel guilty. I don't know how to fix this.
I need to cook some carrots for Z before he wakes up from his nap. Sorry that it's cut short. If anyone can sympathize or has any ideas on how you dealt with the same feelings I have, please post. I'd appreciate it! :)
:: slurped up by Pink Lotus at 12:56 PM [+] ::
:: Friday, September 30, 2005 ::
I've noticed at the Moms Groups that other little boys' penises are bigger than my son's penis. That's not something he inherited from me....
:: slurped up by Pink Lotus at 1:53 PM [+] ::
I didn't think I was going to make it to the Moms Group today. First there was the pooping all over that had to be cleaned up. It took me awhile to pick out clothes because I was (am constantly) tired. I got the clothes on him, and he proceeded to barf milk and yesterday's sweet potatoes all over his clothes. I grabbed new clothes and finally got him out the door.
A mom at the group lives part-time in San Francisco and said she went to a Moms Group there. She said that she felt like a hippie compared to them. I didn't think that I was "crunchy" because I thought most moms do what I do, but maybe I'm deluded because of where I live. Is it strange to breastfeed, slowly introduce solids, and wear my baby in a sling? I'm just trying to be a thoughtful mother. He seems to be developing great: he's crawling, pulling himself up to stand, has a good attention span and will play alone for quite awhile before he decides he needs to start climbing on me. I know that I feel more comfortable where I am than somewhere where the moms are all wearing Prada. I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing, but it's just funny to compare types of mothers.
One mom at our group isn't going to immunize or give her baby fluoride supplements. I sell vitamins and read a lot on health and nutrition (I also write a newsletter). I understand where she's coming from, but I also think much of her "research" is alarmist. I don't think you should believe everything you read on the internet. You should know about the biases of the FDA, physicians and their connections to drug companies, etc., and then make an informed decision. I don't hunt for all of the bad things or all of the good things to support my beliefs, then share that with everyone as gospel.
Anyway, the biggest issue we're dealing with is teething. I think they teethe until they're about 21, and then they finally move out (if you're lucky). He isn't going to sleep at night as easily as he used to. We don't have time to ourselves anymore when he goes to bed 2 hours later than he used to, and he's fussy for at least those 2 hours. He also has separation anxiety and fusses and cries when I'm not home. I go to the gym for about an hour: he fusses and looks at the door when I leave, and he's screaming by the time I get home. I know there will be a time when he only wants daddy, but I wish he liked him more now.
I'm going to the outlets in Gilroy with my sister tomorrow. (Woohoo! A Children's Place and Carter's outlets! It's not spending money if you spend it on your baby, right?) I'm worried that he'll be difficult for my husband while I'm gone, but I really need a break away from him since it's been way too long....I'll get over it.
One thing that my husband does that calms him down is holding him in his lap and giving him a play-by-play of the baseball game. It relaxes him and he sometimes falls asleep in his lap. Very cute. Unfortunately, the season is over for our A's. (They love falling apart at the end of the season, don't they?) I'll be rooting for the White Sox in the playoffs because how can I not? Maybe I should be rooting for the California team, but they're from SoCal, so I can't. Who knew that baseball is a lullaby?
:: slurped up by Pink Lotus at 1:24 PM [+] ::
:: Tuesday, September 27, 2005 ::
Okay, this is a little ridiculous. It's been way too long since I last posted. My baby is crawling now (has been for over 3 weeks), is pulling himself up to stand, has 2 teeth and is working on 2 others, and is eating solids every day. He's taking a nap now (woohoo!), which he hasn't done well in awhile. I know that I need to get some work done, but I also wanted to tend to my much neglected blog.
Crawling is...an adventure. I fear that he will be walking soon since he's so good at pulling himself up and climbing on to my lap. I'm...not...ready...for this.
He ate broccoli puree mixed with rice cereal and boobie milk yesterday for the first time. He loved it! I couldn't believe it. Man, I must eat a lot of broccoli. I think we eat it 2-3 times a week, so he's used to it.
Pooping is not smelling as sweet as it used to. Luckily, it only happens about once a day.
Life has been mostly about the baby, which is pretty great. I had the most difficult web design client I've ever had (which is saying a lot), but that situation is over, and hopefully "the check is in the mail." At this point, I don't really care if I get paid or not. I'm just glad that the phone has stopped ringing and that I don't have to answer questions about his spam email anymore.
Our little one finally likes his stroller! He has had 3 successful stroller trips this past week, but he still doesn't like the jogging stroller. I didn't have a good run on Saturday because of that, but my back is still much happier.
Jesus, is my life really only about the baby now? Where am I?
I decided to stop reading books on feeding and caring for my baby. It had been awhile since I read something not found in the non-fiction section of the library, so I'm reading the newest Harry Potter book now. I will then resume knitting.
I'm still running -- only about 10 miles a week. My husband keeps giving me shit about that because I'm planning on running a half-marathon in the spring, and he doesn't think I'm running enough. I guess I make my workouts shorter so that he has time to run as long as he wants. It's really hard to get enough time to do these things after he comes home from work. Maybe the little one will soon like the jogging stroller. Maybe I should stop trying to run on the track where it's boring for him.
Oh, I forgot to write that my baby shook the Governator's hand! I was surprised at how short he is (5'9", I think). Husband took a photo, but it wasn't very good.
The funniest and saddest thing I said this week: "We aren't preventing getting pregnant, but we aren't having sex either."
:: slurped up by Pink Lotus at 1:07 PM [+] ::
:: Monday, August 08, 2005 ::
I can't believe it's been over a month since I last posted. It looks like no one noticed, though, so I don't know if I should put this blog out of its misery or keep going. Hmm...
Zane will be 6 months on Saturday, so he'll finally get his first taste of food. I'm a little bit sad about it, though. I didn't realize that I have this much pride invested in having grown him with my own body. I'll get over it. I think it'll be fun to see how he reacts to eating and trying something new. Just when he's finally started getting neater about breastfeeding. He doesn't dribble milk all over me as much as he used to, but we'll be getting into a much messier realm. Rice cereal with boobie milk!
I also underestimated the strain that a baby puts on a marriage. My husband and I celebrated our 8-year anniversary a couple weeks ago. I thought that our bickering was just from sleep deprivation, but it hasn't gotten better, and Zane is now sleeping 8-hour lengths at night. I finally realized that we've been making time for ourselves to exercise (for the most part), but we haven't been making time for each other. One of the moms in the support group watched our baby for a couple hours last weekend so that husband and I could have lunch. It was nice to talk and spend a little time alone.
I ran a 6-mile race a couple weeks ago and got a Personal Record, which I'm stoked about because I did my best time after a c-section.
Nothing else going on besides surviving. I don't know what we're thinking with wanting another one. Where will I find the energy?
:: slurped up by Pink Lotus at 5:30 PM [+] ::
:: Friday, July 01, 2005 ::
I'm starting to get the hang of this napping thing. I just have to put him down when I start noticing that he's tired, and he'll fall asleep within 5 minutes. How is he able to do that, yet I lie awake for an hour this morning after feeding him at 5 a.m. even though I'm dog tired? (The best part was when the sprinklers went off at 6 a.m. after I had just fallen asleep.) Anyway, I'm enjoying having some time to myself to get shit done around here. And I'm still able to let my little one sleep on my chest in the evenings sometimes when we want to watch a movie.
We signed up for Netflix for the summer. It's $9.99 for one movie at a time, unlimited. They're not far from here, so the turn-around is 2 days from when we send the movie until we get a new one. We just saw Team America, which has one of the raunchiest sex scenes I've seen done by puppets. I call my baby "Mommy's Little Dictator, Kim Jong Il," and it was funny to see him singing and trying to take over the world. (His hair looks like Kim Jong Il.)
I got a little cold. My damn nose won't stop running, but I feel fine otherwise. My little one has run me down. Grrr... I wasn't able to go to any moms groups this week because I didn't want to get anyone else sick.
I went to a different New Moms group last Friday, and another mom brought in her collection of baby carriers. She must've had at least $1,000 worth of carriers. I've been using the Baby Bjorn on our weekly hikes in the redwoods, but it's killing my back and shoulders. I tried on this mom's Sachi Mei Tai (www.sachicarriers.com) and fell in love. It had beautiful silk brocade and put most of my little monster's weight on my hips. I felt like I could wear him for a long time. She also introduced us to www.thebabywearer.com. I didn't know that babywearing was a movement. First, I thought it was something only hippies did, and then I knew it was something I did to help with the crying and fussiness (my baby's and my own). I didn't know there were moms who are all anti-stroller and shit. Anyway, I ordered a Sachi Mei Tai that same day, and I can't wait until it comes. My back will thank me for ordering it.
Must take advantage of his napping by getting some web work done....
We ordered a new digital camera this weekend. We're getting the Canon Powershot A520. It weighs half what our old camera weighs, has more features, costs much less and still has the manual controls. I wanted a camera that was light enough to carry around in the diaper bag, and ours just isn't. I can't wait until the new one comes.
We have a lot of pictures where our baby's eyes are big and round because of the red eye reduction light. Once my husband figured out that we should cover up that light, his pictures came out cuter.
The problem with digital is that you have to upload the images to order them. But now I have more time in the afternoons while he naps, so I should try to get caught up...
I decided to try something new: the 5 minutes crying in crib/5 minutes holding/10 minutes in crib/10 minutes holding/15 minutes in crib. I started on Friday, and I've been doing it every day since then. It's difficult to hear him cry and not do anything to help him, but I think it may work. He eventually falls asleep. This afternoon he fell asleep when I had him back in the crib for the 10-minute stretch. I hope that he learns how to fall asleep on his own without needing to cry, but we'll see. I'm trying to use that Fisher Price aquarium when I put him in the crib so that he can turn it on himself in the future and it'll help soothe him.
Sounds good in theory.
Anyway, even though it's hard to hear him cry, it's better than letting him cry for 20 minutes before picking him up like my mom wanted me to do. This way, he knows that I'm coming back, and he doesn't cry forever without getting some comfort. Plus, I get some time without the baby attached to my chest and my butt attached to the couch.